Sexually Vital and Juicy at any Age

There's an unfortunate stereotype in our culture about older adults and sex. Popular belief has it that as people grow old they entirely lose their interest in sexual intimacy. This is simply not true. Nobody's done any studies about it, because it's not a hot topic (ha ha) for pollsters. Not yet anyway. With millions of people aging, that could change. And I hope it does.

Our culture is highly sexualized. Yet sexuality is not a topic that is easy or natural. Sexuality is highly visible in the media and on the street, but there's still a lot of shame involved for many of us. The topic of sexuality in the later years is even more charged and uncomfortable. Because of prevailing notions about aging, people get upset when they imagine older people as sexual beings.

When I learned that my medical doctor Howie Morningstar and his wife Sue Mauer Morningstar, a nurse practitioner and also a rabbi, were going to give a talk titled "Sexually Vital and Juicy at Any Age" at our wonderful Ashland Food Coop, I knew I wanted to hear what they had to say. Howie and Sue work together at Morningstar Healing Arts, a healing environment filled with color, beautiful art and vibrant plants.

Howie and Sue have known each other since they were 4 years old! Think of it! I often do. They have known each other their whole lives and they have been married for a long time. I was interested in what they had to say at their talk "Sexually Vital and Juicy at any Age" because it seemed to me that they would bring a unique perspective from their many decades of connection and partnership, and from the adventures of their individual life journeys. Nobody is typical and that is certainly true of Howie and Sue. Sue has been a nurse-practitioner for many years. She recently became a rabbi, which has given her another avenue to share her gifts. Sue has been in a wheelchair for many years. A more uplifted, loving, inspiring person would be hard to find. Howie describes himself as a Jewish pagan. He loves dancing, drumming and fire circles. A recent Phoenix Fire brochure gave this as part of his bio. "...loves playing with fire and has been creating magic, mayhem and sacred altars--for a long time!" In 2010 Howie trained as a certified tantric educator.

The talk drew a large audience, composed mainly of older couples with a fair sprinkling of single folks. Most of the audience was well over 50, and many of them knew Howie and Sue already as either patients or friends. The atmosphere was warm and relaxed. Howie and Sue's talk went right to the heart and soul of intimacy. They discussed the healing and heightening powers of sex, describing shared pleasure and ecstasy as a way of connecting with the divine and with the partner as an emanation of the divine, a god or goddess. They talked about the chakras and kundalini energy flow, ejaculatory choice, prolonged orgasmic states and the importance of masculine and feminine polarities. They spoke about why it is important that the woman climax first, and recommended the book She Comes First. They talked about how important it is to make time to be with each other without other concerns or activities interfering, and pointed out that the intention of these special times was not necessarily to focus on making love physically, but on reconnecting with each other's souls. Sue spoke about Jewish texts that refer to the mystical importance of sharing pleasure. I found this link to the subject that I found fascinating.Jewish mystical texts Howie and Sue plan to present two more talks on the subject of sexuality and wellbeing. I'm looking forward to hearing what they have to say next. Sex, intimacy and the erotic life are topics that continue to magnetize me, and I know that a lot of other older adults are just as interested.

Because I am in a crystal ball kind of mood, I'll make a prediction. I think that late life sexuality will become a hot topic as the age wave crests. Late life sex and love are the topic of one of the songs in A New Wrinkle, my musical revue on aging. The song is titled Sex after Sixty and of course it celebrates the erotic impulse. There are many things one can do with sexual/erotic energy, from making love to creating art to engaging in spiritual practice. No matter how one chooses to engage that powerful erotic energy, channeling it allows one to tap into union with the One, and that is a profound blessing.

Portraits of Three Older Women

Dot Fisher-Smith

"Well behaved women seldom make history."--Laura Thatcher Ulrich, a history professor at Harvard who wrote a book with that title


That quote is one that people often apply to Dot Fisher-Smith, who has been a force of nature in my community for decades. As these two images show, Dot presents an iconic image of the older woman. The top image is from a beautiful card series called Wonder of the Mother. The image below shows Dot in 1996 chained by the neck to a logging truck near Croman Mills in Ashland, Oregon as she and others protested one of a hundred timber sales Congress had exempted from environmental constraints. Dot has a long history of nonviolent protesting. And that ongoing commitment to justice and nature is only one aspect of her life and work. She is an artist, a counselor, workshop leader and for years was a Zen practitioner. She has influenced and supported many people in many ways over the years. She is now 82.

One of her friends and admirers, Willow Denker, has been filming Dot for about 13 years. That long commitment to telling Dot's story has resulted in a wonderful documentary titled Dot: An Ordinary Life, An Extraordinary Person. I attended its premier last night and predictably the place was packed with an audience eager to honor Dot and her life. The movie is marvelous and it's even more marvelous when you consider that both of the women who created it are novices at filmmaking. The film did such a great job of depicting Dot's life history and the various facets of her personality and worldview.

"I'm very pragmatic and minimalist," Dot says. "At the heart of it, what inspires people is that I'm my own authority. I've never been conventional. I don't look to any outside authority. That's what everyone wants to be." I think that sums it up. The quote is from an article by John Darling which talks about Dot's life and the movie.

This is a film that deserves wide viewing. The producer and director are trying to get it accepted into the Ashland Independent Film Festival. I hope that happens, and I hope it is shown in many other communities, too. I will put a link up about the documentary here as soon as one becomes available.

Cloud 9

A couple of days ago I picked up Cloud 9, a German movie released in 2008. Steve at Video Explorer thought it was a comedy. But it turned out to be a very refreshing film about romance and love in the later years. The protagonist Inge, a woman in her late 60s, has been in a long, loving but also rather dull relationship for 30 years when she falls in love with a free spirit in his 70s. Inge is no botoxed/liposuctioned screen siren. Instead, she appears as a rather typical older woman, a seamstress, wife, mother and grandmother. I loved the real-life quality of the film--visits with the daughter and grandkids, life with the long-time husband, then the effervescent splash of adventures with a new lover. The New York Times review provides a good summary of what makes Cloud 9 so compelling. The reviewer said, "Filmed without gloss or glamour, using insistent close-ups and precisely calibrated framing, “Cloud 9” augments its modest narrative with unguarded performances and visual lucidity...Facing the cinematic taboo of twilight-years nudity head-on and upfront, Mr. Dresen and his actors create an atmosphere of reckless vulnerability that’s immediately compelling and artistically intriguing."

Vulnerability, passion, the complexity of dealing with the results of one's actions--nothing Hollywood-romantic here, just real portraits of real older people. In terms of portraying an older woman, there's not a stereotype in sight, although the film does include one funny joke about how 80 year olds make love. Excellent acting and complexity. Great flick. Recommend it.

Shopping Cart Annie and Gloria Wasserman

I read a rather eye-opening article in the New York Times about another iconic older woman. The article was titled Death of a Fulton Fish Market Fixture and it tells the story of an 85-year old woman known as Shopping Cart Annie, the profane mother of the Fulton Fish Market for decades--a woman who sold cigarettes, flashed her breasts and told dirty jokes. I found her life story astounding. There was her life as Annie, and there was her other life, the one she had been born into as Gloria Wasserman. She was a mother and grandmother who had been beautiful, spunky and sexually free. As her daughter noted, “I don’t know how you could put it nicely. But she had a flamboyant life.”

Annie/Gloria began her long association with the Fulton Fish Market in the 70s. "She cleaned the market’s offices and locker rooms and bathrooms. She collected the men’s “fish clothes” on Friday and had them washed and ready for Monday. She ran errands for Mr. DeLuca, known as Stevie Coffee Truck, hustling to Chinatown to pick up, say, some ginseng tea. She accepted the early morning delivery of bagels. She tried to anticipate the men’s needs — towels, bandannas, candy — and had these items available for sale." She made good money and she was regularly robbed.

Away from the market, she lived in a city-owned apartment as Gloria Wasserman. And she gave everything she earned to her family, often sending $4,000 a month to relatives on both coasts. She went to weddings and other family events and at the Fish Market was a good friend and helper to many street women, encouraging them and supporting them. When I finished this article, I just sat there confounded. What a unique, surprising life.

Aren't human beings amazing? Ah, the ways they choose to live their lives, the astonishing dimensions, facets and secrets each human being contains. It never works to assume you know the story or sum total of anyone. Although to come back to where I began with this post, I think that the documentary about Dot Fisher-Smith's life does a great job of capturing her layers, dimensions and complexity. It's a beautiful honoring of a full, vital life.