At the Moment: Elder Housesharing Report

My housemate Kate Nehrbass has done aikido for 30 years

I was still traveling in Mexico early this year when Kate Nehrbass emailed me asking whether I would like to share her house. Kate and I have lived in Ashland for many years and we have a number of mutual friends, but we never really spent any time with each other.

The idea of living in her big, welcoming house up in the wooded area of Ashland was appealing, and I sensed that Kate and I could get along as housemates just fine, so I agreed. It felt good to have such a sweet place to land when I returned from Mexico.

And it has turned out to be an excellent experience. Kate is easy to live with and getting to know her better is delightful. She loves to travel and to garden, and she loves kids. Her young friends are often at the house, and she is generous in taking them to camps, plays, and other outings. Kate is also engaged in Buddhism, and that is a beautiful common ground.  I admire her generosity and kindness. Since I arrived, we have been getting along with each other quite well. Harmony in the house! That is so good. And living here with the myriad birds that appear, and the beautiful big garden and nearby hiking trails is also so good.

A beautiful line of old lavender bushes blooms at the side of the garden

I've been engaged in elder housesharing for about 7 years. To me it makes sense. It keeps housing expenses down, provides companionship and friendly engagement and exposes me to new perspectives and people. I imagine that I will keep doing it. It's like a return to the communal days of yore in some ways. But without the constant partying and late nights.

Yes, to be successful the house share must meet your basic requirements in terms of beauty, orderliness, comfort and welcome, and the housemate must be sympatico.

Kale on its way into the oven to become kale chips

 House sharing is becoming more and more popular with older adults. There are a number of national and regional organizations that help match compatible housemates, such as the National Shared Housing Resource Center, a clearinghouse to help folks find a shared housing organization in their community--or start one. There's even an international homeshare organization based in London, which shares news about organizations in eight countries.

Confession Regarding Kale

My friend Sondra can make delicious things with kale, but I have never discovered how to do it. We have some beautiful kale growing in the garden, and I was happy to discover that not only could I make kale chips, but that they are incredibly delicious, so delicious that I simply finish them off in one meal. I am not one of those fanatics who eats kale 3 times a day, but now that I have found kale chips, I make a batch a couple of times a week. It is very easy. Just cut the center spine from the kale leaf and coat the kale leaf with olive oil. I like to do it with my hands, but you could use a brush. Put the kale on a cookie sheet and bake it in an oven set to 350 degrees for about 10 minutes. Stay nearby and check it. It can burn easily. Very tasty and of course nutritious.

Butterflies, flowers, the beauty of the summer garden

The Dread Time of Much Zucchini Approacheth

I love vegetables. Kale and zucchini are not at the top of my list though. Now that I have discovered kale chips, I will endeavor to find some delicious ways to present zucchini, which is already very abundant in our garden. This is a good problem to have. We enjoy bountiful foods here. May all beings be this fortunate.

About the Earth

I just finished reading Joanna Macy's memoir Widening Circles.  What a life she has led, and what beneficial work she has created to restore and heal humans and the Earth. Though I do not speak of it much in this blog, I contemplate the state of our planet and our species every day. Lacking omniscience, I cannot foretell what will happen on the Earth. I do pray about it. I pray for those peoples displaced from their homelands, now so many millions of them, for the rivers, jungles, mountains, oceans, creatures, for the elements, for all of us living now in this era. And I highly recommend this book, and the engaged Buddhism of Joanna Macy. She is a real bodhisattva.

Severe Resistence to Oldness--May the Right Medicine Appear to Cure It

The other day I had a meeting with someone I admire and in the course of our conversation he told me that his 85-year old neighbor got very insulted and upset when someone in a social gathering complemented her on being an elder. Vehemently, she insisted that she was not an elder. She was a sailor and a tennis player. Ah, my goodness dearie. Some kind of soul sickness. I want to read her this quote from the African author and teacher Malidoma Patrice Some--but maybe she just wouldn't get it immersed as she is in grasping onto her vitality. Ah, I have plenty more to say on the subject of Elders in Denial, but will save it for another time. Here is the quote.

“Elders and mentors have an irreplaceable function in the life of any community. Without them the young are lost, their overflowing energies wasted in useless pursuits. The old must live in the young like a grounding force that tames the tendency toward bold but senseless actions and shows them the path of wisdom. In the absence of elders, the impetuosity of youth becomes the slow death of the community.”

Living Arrangements

Winter tablescape in the kitchen, with the sun bright on the wall

I haven't written about living arrangements since September 2010, when I posted a blog essay that explored elder co-housing, house sharing, intentional communities and other possibilities. With millions of people aging, it certainly is timely to think about ways to live that increase community and make life easier.

Here's the link to my earlier reflections on the subject in case you want to take a look.
 
some thoughts on architecture, place and community 

I've lived alone a great deal in the past 15 years until I spent a year and a half sharing a townhouse with my friend Louise. Living with a person can deepen your friendship. That is what has happened with Louise and I.

While I was living with Louise I found this cottage, where I presently abide quite comfortably and happily. When I first saw this place, the garden particularly enchanted me. I was drawn to the house, too. I could imagine feeling quite comfortable in the cottage, which is welcoming and a bit worn. A bit like me perhaps.

It seemed a great bonus that the place also had a garden suite, composed of two rooms and a bath in the back part of the house. That meant there would be enough room to have a housemate. I liked the idea of having a housemate.

When you are older it makes financial sense to share your abode. Friendship and mutual support are other attractive reasons to share a domicile, if you can find a compatible person.

Women live longer and women in their 80s and older are more likely to be living alone. This can increase isolation, depression and other factors that affect mental and physical health. Of course, there are many possible pitfalls for older people looking for housemates. When city or county agencies help by screening and matching people up, it can be very helpful.

I had two brief, unsuccessful houseshare experiences before my friend Anne moved in. Neither of the encounters was dangerous or terribly unpleasant, but they weren't much fun, either.

What a difference between those experiences and being here with Anne. It is a great pleasure to share the cottage with her. It feels very good-- very relaxed, safe, comfortable and companionable. We respect each other's privacy and we also get together fairly regularly.

My friend Anne

Here's how I met Anne. My dancer friend Robin was going to see a movie and asked if I wanted to join her. She told me that she was meeting someone at the theater, a woman named Anne. Yes, I wanted to go so I headed downtown.

I was early and I decided to sit in front of the hotel and people watch. That's always interesting and fun. After awhile, I looked down toward the movie theater, which is not that far away. There I saw a woman standing.

"That must be Anne," I thought to myself. I got up and started to walk toward her. She began to walk toward me, too. When we met, I asked her, "Are you Robin's friend?"

"Yes, I am," she told me. "Well, I'm Gaea and I'm looking forward to going to the movie with you and Robin."

"Oh," she said. "I'm Anne."  We kept chatting as if we had known each other for years.

Today I was thinking about that first meeting.

"Did you know I was going to join you and Robin?" I asked Anne.

"No, I had no idea," she answered.  "You started to walk toward me when I began walking toward you," I said.

"Yes, I did," she responded. Anne didn't know why she walked toward me and I don't know how I knew who she was.

I have no idea how these things happen, but they do.  Now we are friends and we are sharing a house. So there you have it.  It is a happy circumstance.

These are two books I am using in my upcoming class at OLLI, "Retirement, Refirement and Successful Aging."  The class will take place in February. I'm looking forward to it.

I will also be presenting a talk at the Ashland Library on February 3rd. It's titled "What's So Great About Aging?"

Cold and wintry here. So many of my friends are in Hawaii and Mexico, giving me the chance to practice mudita, or sympathetic joy.

Hope you are enjoying life, whatever the weather patterns.

First Day of Spring

Take 9 days of cold/flu sickness and combine it with moving from one house to another. No thanks. Anyone knows that when you put those two ingredients together it spells deep weariness. Sorry lady, this is what we've giving you. A somewhat rough passage. And that about describes my last 9 days. But I came through it--hallelujah.

I am grateful for the help of some dear friends and taking rests when my body informed me that it simply would not repeat absolutely would not allow me to unpack another box. Lie down please, my body urged me, or wouldn't you like to take a bath or have some tea? The body has its own wisdom, as we know.

So this morning, I woke up in my new peach colored bedroom feeling thankful and happy. Today is the first day of spring, my cold/flu is finally departing. The boxes are all unpacked and recycled. I am pretty nicely settled into my elder house share.

Today I will spend most of the day at Tashi Choling, the Tibetan Buddhist retreat center I helped to found over 30 years ago. (www.tashicholing.org if you want more info) Gathering with my spiritual community to meditate and pray is my idea of a truly wonderful day. After we practice, we'll have some lunch and then a group of us will put together our spring newsletter for mailing. I'm looking forward to being out there in the mountain valley in the beautiful temple after these past 9 days of travail.

I hope that your celebration of the first day of spring brings you refreshment, too.