A Few of the Personas Living in My House

Dear friends: This blog contains the musings of Gaea Yudron, director of Sage's Play, which offers programs and resources for creative aging. You can find news about Sage's Play programs and resources in our newsletter. Sign up for it at our website, www.sagesplay.org

I know I have the key to this door.

The Personas
There are many, but right now I will limit it to three of them that are usually hanging around the house.  One of them is The Artist, one is The Healer, and the third is The Entrepreneur. Working with them involves plenty of creative play, improvisation, discarding, resting, enjoying the moment, caring for myself and others, cutting loose, strategizing, scheduling, organizing, networking, etc. Here's something from The Artist.

Receiving Praise: The Artist

Two readers spoke with me recently about my book Songs of the Inner Life. It is always instructive to hear what people discover in the book, what themes or passages resonate. Sometimes when I am listening to a reader, I find myself thinking, they just don't get that at all! Or it seems that the reader is fairly ho-hum in their response, either because they are guarded or because the book just didn't do much for them. Sometimes people are enthused and happy about the book, but their comments are quite pithy. So when two people are telling me within the same week that they read the book twice and say more than one sentence about their experience, it stands out.

The first woman told me, among other things,  that she thought the book was daring, that I was daring for being so intimate in writing about my life. People say that about me. It must be so. I like it when people feel more adventurous because of my own willingness to share my explorations. The second reader told me that she was reading the book out loud to her husband on the second read, which I found very touching. Reading aloud is such a beautiful way to share, and I know that my writing, at its best, is lyrical when spoken out loud. The second reader actually wrote something about Songs of the Inner Life, and I plan to put what she said on my website as soon as I can get The Entrepreneur persona to do it. Here is what she wrote.

"It is a rare delight to encounter a literary voice so wise, refreshingly honest, open-hearted and irreverent as that of Gaea Yudron in her candid yet magically surreal memoir Songs of the Inner Life. In gently lyrical, often astonishingly crystalline prose we re-live an intimate voyage of childhood from a simpler if not easier time, a coming of age in traumatically torn but rip snortingly hedonist '60's america, the blossoming of spiritual yearnings and utopian optimism into focused eco-activism and ultimately a rebirth into spiritual transcendence - & all this the mere runway of an 'ordinary' person's life onto the most transcendent human flight of consciousness - encountering one's own highest mission culminating in a life's work of service to others. Through the generous sharing of this gift I now feel Gaea Yudron as both sister-friend and potent artistic/spiritual mentor by example; both my husband and I (who read this book together) anxiously await the unique enfoldment of her next chapter in an ongoing saga of adventure, achievement, realization and love." 

                                        -- Rebecca Cintron Osvold

As an artist, I feel glad to make meaningful connections with other humans, and happy if something I do or say expands their life in some way. Yes, writers do like it when readers read their books twice, of course they do.

The Healer

Yes, grateful for every day, for the whole spectrum of life

The Artist and The Healer personas are often  hand in hand.  They have things in common--the Openness to Beauty for one thing and the wish to uplift and honor the innate harmony in life experience. Both of them wish to provide inspiration, wellbeing and refreshment.

One can often find them sitting quietly talking with each other, or sometimes dancing, or walking in the woods together.

The Healer views life as spiritual journey, and she knows that her gifts are for giving away. She is grateful for the opportunity to support others and to provide tools that open up new experiences,  perceptions and understanding.  Her intuition is keen. She meditates and prays for the wellbeing of others. A yogini lives in her. She continues to work on transforming her negative habits and patterns so that she can become a more evolved vessel.

The Entrepreneur

The Entrepreneur is often thinking about money, raising money, earning money, creating programs that bring in money. She is pondering about how to find and talk with the tribe and the audience, how to build the mailing list, how to use new technological tools to relate to others. She thinks about creating priorities in terms of program development. She wants to network, collaborate, connect, become more visible. She does relax when she connects with The Artist and The Healer from time to time, tapping into inner knowing, trusting in the process of experimentation rather than rigidly expecting to have everything neatly fall into place and work perfectly the first time.

The Entrepreneur was very happy about Into the Mystery, the first e-course Sage's Play offered, which attracted 20 participants. Marketing types told her that was very good for the first time around. She is definitely the most impatient of the three personas that are hanging around the house right now. Maybe that's good, as long as she does some deep breathing and takes some breaks in Nature and just gets out of her head at times.  She is an important part of the mix.

Culture Change and Frank Language--Helen Mirren Speaks Out at 70
“... Of course I don’t look better than I did when I was younger, without doubt...The great thing that happens is that you don’t give a flying fuck so much, that’s the thing. Yeah, I don’t look so good but I don’t care…But that is the great thing about getting older, I hope, is that you lose the incredible insecurity of youth.”

It's all relative of course, in terms of how good we look. I for example lack the glamour and polish of Helen Mirren, not to mention the wardrobe.

That's the story here, as I try to keep the personas happy with each other in the midst of a big creative blast. (cliffhanger, but more details soon)  I have been mostly indoors the past 6 days because of very unhealthy air from large wildfires in the region. But I am going out this afternoon to have tea with someone I knew over 30 years ago, who now lives in Nepal. And I plan to head over to the Wild Goose to hear some Beatles and Rolling Stones songs this evening.

Hope your various personas are enjoying this beautiful summer too.

In Praise of Oldness: Longevity, Vitality and the Fulfillment of Meaning

Since I returned to Oregon from Mexico in early March, I have plunged back into the creative development of Sage's Play, and in the process of that, I have naturally found myself immersed in contemplating and considering our culture's perspective on oldness, aging and elders.

Desmond Tutu dances at the Dalai Lama's birthday party

"Why does our society believe old people need help?" asks author James Hillman. "They are the ones who would be, in some other society, passing on help to others: teaching skills, telling stories, leading rituals, caring for children. They have a contribution to make, and instead they are segregated as sick people who need to be nursed. This is ridiculous."

With all this I wholeheartedly agree.

When I am sitting here with my Sage's Play hat on, and my Sage's Play glasses on, I am often inspired to sing praises to oldness, to its value, richness, depth, and the essential resonance of oldness, which we find so powerful and comforting. Oldness, staying power, lasting, the accumulated pile of life experience, of knowing, caring, leading, setting a good example, keeping the faith, passing on the old stories, showing how to plant the seeds and cultivate the garden of this life.

Maya Angelou

As I have said before, I believe it would do us all good to create an Elder Hall of Fame!  I have a list of many people I have been collecting and all of them are worthy candidates. Of course there's the Dalai Lama and Bishop Desmond Tutu, both of whom are great examples of sages at play.

And poets Maya Angelou and Stanley Kunitz. Comedian Betty White, along with Yoko Ono, Mick Jagger, Pablo Casals, Pablo Picasso, Bernie Sanders, Tao-Porchon Lynch, teaching yoga in her 90s,  Robert Redford, Leonard Cohen, Jane Goodall, among others. Because I am interested in art, many of the elders I chose are artists of one sort or another.  Who would you want to add to the Elder Hall of Fame if there was one and you were on the panel?

Perhaps you might find it useful, as I have, to take a long look at the old people you admire. What is it that you find most fascinating or touching about them? What kind of oldness do you want to embody? What qualities do you want to continue to cultivate in yourself as you age?

Twyla Tharp

This morning, I listened to a great talk by Ashton Applewhite, a pro-aging activist based in NYC whose work I admire and support. In her talk, Ashton discusses prevalent stereotypes about aging and how they impact older adults and society at large. Because let's face it, not all older people are as clear in their life mission and work as are those I am mentioning here. Many elders find it difficult to push through the age prejudice in our society to contribute their valuable skills and knowledge.

Age discrimination and prejudice are bad for our health and the health of our world. It's as simple as that. You can watch Ashton Applewhite's incisive, information-packed talk on ageism here. I highly recommend it....you can also take a look at her website This Chair Rocks.

Incidentally, I post a lot of great articles and observations about aging on the Sage's Play Facebook page.

Well, that's a collection of links for you to explore...and here is one more,  just for good measure. Have you taken a look at our revamped Sage's Play website? There are some delightful changes and additions you might like to see.

Right now, I am revising Your Audacious Aging Kit and  developing a new e-course titled Into the Mystery: The Healing Power of Memoir and Life Review. I feel rejuvenated and filled with fresh inspiration from my sojourn in Mexico. Stay tuned...and enjoy the magic of the approaching full moon!

Being at Home

“I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.”--Maya Angelou

I am enjoying my new shared household and my housemate Louise. I liked living alone for 11 years, and I understand why sometimes elders prefer to continue living by themselves. But right now, this makes more sense to me. I've been here for just over a week and I feel very much at home. I'm glad I made the move.

The other day, I went to visit a very dear friend whom I've known for over 30 years. When we were younger, she swept through town in long capes, her wildly curling red hair framing a beautiful face with ivory skin. "My high priestess period," she laughs. Now we both have children nearing 50. Recently, after a number of falls, she moved into an assisted living facility. She navigates using a walker, joking that without it her gait resembles that of Frankenstein.

I have always loved her profound intuition, keen powers of observation, her humor, marvelous poetic speech and her intellectual and spiritual curiosity. None of that has left her. She's still as much the liminal woman as she ever was. It's just that her body is declining. She has undiagnosed neurological problems and high blood pressure.

Her new living situation, she tells me as we head to the dining room, is a great spiritual practice. "This is where I am now," she says. "I'm glad I have such an appetite for experience." She is interested in everyone. "Some of the people here don't have all their lights on," she confides. Indeed it seems that the description applies to quite a few of them. I notice how starkly some people's emotional habits stand out in that environment. There's a woman who makes a strange whistling sound to draw attention to herself, a loud narcissist who tries to commandeer the conversation, a genial man with only short term memory who presents a cheerful attitude, a gentle, youngish woman disabled by an accident, whose kindness radiates out to others, and many others I had not enough time to notice in my relatively brief visit. The place itself was pleasant and friendly, as were the staff members I saw. Facilities for older adults are often not this good, I know.

My friend has made herself at home there, taking her current situation and condition as a voyage of discovery and as preparation for dying. I am touched by her vividness and the way she is resting in her experience. Being with her in her changed physical condition gives me a great deal to contemplate.

What does it mean to be at home? I am thinking about our earthly homes--the home as an outer dwelling. I love this kind of home. Like the photo I chose for this post. The old farmhouse, the flowers, the feeling of being in a dear, beautiful place. I love architecture and old buildings. The first book I received in the mailbox at my new place was Behind Adobe Walls, a look at the beautiful homes and gardens of Taos and Santa Fe, New Mexico.

The body is another kind of architecture, another kind of earthly home. I love my body, even as it softens and ages. I rely upon it. Then there's mind and emotions, the patterns of my habitual thoughts and feelings-- I nest in them, feeling at home in myself. But that kind of nesting, that at-homeness is double-edged and deceptive. How relative and evanescent all these expressions of the earthly home are. What an astounding and unavoidable mystery--how we come from the intangible realms and return again to them.

And voila--I'm contemplating death again. I'm a Buddhist. Been one for over 30 years. Buddhist practice emphasizes contemplating death which is considered the major life passage to prepare for. So I've been contemplating death for awhile now. It's a good practice, a necessary one in my mind. And part of that work is loosening and letting go of the fixation on the solidity and permanence of this body and this life.

Visiting my friend has put an edge on these contemplations. I'm thinking of how temporary a way station the body is, how I will have to take leave of my entire life and the world I have created over decades, how thoroughly I have made myself at home in it. I am at home and I will have to make my exit, releasing it all. What irony, finally to feel so at home being myself, being in a body and being in this world, flawed as it is. But I wouldn't trade this acceptance and relaxation. It seems to be the right ground for releasing into the intangible.

Meanwhile, here in this body, in this new shared dwelling on a rainy evening in spring, I celebrate being at home. And I am reflecting on how the essence of everything as light, right now. Nowhere to go, nothing to do.

I am reminded of this Kabir poem:

"I laugh when I hear that the fish in the water is thirsty.

You don't grasp the fact that
what is most alive of all

is inside your own house; and so you walk from one holy city to the next
with a confused look!

Kabir will tell you the truth:
go wherever you like, to Calcutta or Tibet;
if you can't find where your soul is hidden,
for you the world will never be real!"

While on the subject of being at home, I wanted to share this documentary I found the other day which spotlights St. John's on the Lake in Milwaukee, Wisconsin,a retirement community that includes independent living, assisted living and nursing home. The film documents St. John's efforts to transform from a medical model to a social one that focuses on the residents' individual choice and personhood, creating a home-like rather than hospital-like environment. The documentary appeared on PBS. You can view clips at AlmostHome I especially recommend the clip Culture Change.

Of course, this kind of culture change is wonderful, and hopefully we will see a lot more of it. Most older adults remain independent,living in their own homes, but when we find ourselves in a retirement community, assisted living, or nursing home, I know we want it to be like home. We want to retain our personhood, our dignity, the kind of self-efficacy and well-being that comes from being able to make our own choices. The Eden Alternative, which is the work of Dr. Bill Thompson, is another avenue to culture change in institutional living for older adults. These pioneering efforts have not yet reached the tipping point. But I hope that they continue to exert their positive influence on the way elders are housed when they live in "retirement communities" until our present medical model gives way to a person-centered approach.

I used to joke that I just wanted to live in a teepee in the woods when I became really old. That's still my fantasy. Like Goatman, the odiferous old fellow who lived in a cabin in the Colestine Valley up the road from Tashi Choling. I would take more baths than he did. But living the way he did in the midst of the meadows and mountains seems pretty good to me.

Even though I have my preferences, I wonder how much control we have. Sure I want to be one of those elders who remain healthy until the last few months of life. Most elders do remain healthy until the last few months of life (so don't believe the propaganda of the Decline Model, which makes us believe that elders are all sick and dependent). And maybe I will be that fortunate. But I could need more support. If I do have to move into some kind of facility as my dear friend has, I want to be treated with respect and caring, the way one treats a real human being. Don't you want that, too?


Photo by Bob Travis via Flickr